Cheated

Last year, Craig and I decided to adopt. We have always wanted more children, but it just did not seem to be happening on our own. The doctors were perplexed. There did not seem to be anything wrong with either of us, but for some reason, we were just unable to conceive.

Well, the economy has taken a heavy toll on our little family. We were both unemployed for the entire summer and then some. Although we both have jobs now, and are doing a little better, we have sunk deeper in debt, and it will be a LONG time before we unbury ourselves. As such, adoption has become a distant dream. Our credit is so bad that there is no chance of any agency accepting us int their program, and it will take years to rebuild our credit, especially on our current income.

We briefly toyed with the idea of doing infertility treatments, but these can be very expensive, and are not a guarantee. So, the only hope we have right now of having more children is if I were to get pregnant on my own, which is unlikely.

We had just been coming to the realization that more children are simply not in our future, when lo and behold, my period was late. My cycles are as regular as clockwork, and extremely predictable. Anything outside the norm puts us on sudden alert. I didn't tell anyone for several days, waiting to see what would happen. As the days passed, I began to have a little hope. And then a little more. I could just envision showing Craig a positive pregnancy test on Christmas morning.

I hadn't taken a test at this point because I HATE taking those tests. There is NOTHING worse than seeing a big fat negative staring back at you. But, I knew I had to do it sooner or later, so I went out and got a couple last night, planning to use on this morning.

Well, late last night I suddenly started cramping fiercely. I knew immediately what it meant, and sure enough, within a couple of hours I started bleeding.

My feelings were a turmoil. Anger, hurt, betrayal. Betrayed by my body, and yes, I felt betrayed by God. After so many years, why was I given something to hope for, only to have it ripped away? I felt cheated. Ever since I was a little girl I have always wanted to be a mother, and I have always wanted a lot of children. As I stare reality in the face, it looks more and more like that wish will never come true.

I spent several hours crying alone into my pillow. I hadn't told Craig anything, so it seemed silly to wake him up. But as the tears slid down my face, I decided I had two choices. I could either wallow in self-pity, hating God for what I DON'T have, or I could move on, and be grateful for what I DO have.

I have chosen the latter. Yes, I am disappointed, and I still feel hurt. But I am going to pick up the fragmented pieces of my heart and get on with my life. I have an incredible husband who loves me, and I have a little boy who brings so much joy into my life. I have the best job I could eve have - I get to photograph newborns every day! Although I cannot have any more of my own, it is such a blessing to be around others, each one a tiny miracle.

My life has always been full of trials. At times, they seem overwhelming, and the burden is great. But when I give that burden over to the Lord, I am able to see the light in my life, and the many things He has blessed me with.