Losing my Religion

I have something I need to say that is very difficult for me, and I know will be quite shocking and even distressing for many of my friends and family.  However, I feel it is still important for me to share this part of myself, and hope that in doing so you will understand my feelings on the matter.

After long and painful thought, I have decided to leave the Mormon (LDS) church.  My reasons for doing so run very wide and very deep.  I will not discuss everything here, but I do wish to explain some of my feelings.

I grew up in a very faithful LDS home.  We went to church regularly, attended all the meetings, and were very active in the Mormon community.  At home we prayed together, read scriptures together, and occasionally had family nights to discuss religious and moral issues.

I was always a firm believer.  I definitely had doubts and concerns, but I generally set those things aside, believing I would find answers later, or believing that the answer was that it was simply God’s will.  When I was young, this was good enough, and I moved forward with my life.  I was, in fact, such a firm believer, that I was willing to fight for my beliefs, both verbally and physically.  I took great offense when anyone even remotely suggested that my religion was not actually the “one true church”, as I always believed it was.

As I grew older, some of the doubts and concerns I had became a little more prominent in my life.  I continually tried to set them aside, but they just kept coming up.  I became severely depressed.  The hardest part was that when I tried to voice my concerns to my church leaders, they simply patted me on the head, told me not to worry about it, that everything would turn out okay, and sent me on my way.  Or they would grow very uncomfortable and dodge around the issues and give me unsatisfactory responses, mostly along the lines of “You just need to have more faith.”  It can be difficult to have more of something when it is slipping away from you.

 

Despite my depression and unease, I still clung to the Church.  It was my life raft.  It was my LIFE.  Everything I knew and loved came from the church, and I still believed in it.  I didn’t understand it all the time, but I believed it. 

As I grew a little older, I experienced some very difficult times; moments of darkness and utter despair.  To be honest, it was often in those times when the teachings and doctrines of the church made the least sense, and were even hurtful.  I became even more depressed, and angry, and bitter.  And yet, I STILL clung to the church.  I HAD to believe it was true.  I had fought for the church, its doctrines, and God and I simply could not let go of it, no matter how awful I felt inside.

It is important to note that there were some good times as well.  I had times of such joy, and my heart was so full.  I met so many wonderful people in the church who were there for me through thick and thin.  It was those times that lifted me up and kept me going, and helped me feel that I was on the right path.  But those pesky doubts wouldn’t go away!

Last year my husband, Craig, came to me and told me he no longer believed in the Mormon Church.  I was shocked and hurt.  So many of my hopes and dreams for the future felt like they had suddenly been crushed.  I was not completely surprised by his announcement, because I know that he had been struggling for a long time as well.  Still, I never thought it would come to this.  For a little while I considered divorce, but the very thought of it appalled me.

Once I got over the initial shock, he was able to sit with me and explain his reasons for no longer believing.  I decided to listen, rather than shut him out.  I felt that family was far more important than any religion, and as a testament of my love for him, I decided I needed to be there to support him, and listen, and try to understand.

During these talks we had (and there were many!), I began to realize that many of the things that had been bothering me had also bothered him.  Instead of continuously setting those things aside like I had, he decided to look in to them further, which led to him finding more information about the Church and its Doctrines that was deeply disturbing.  When he shared his findings with me, a part of me wanted to ignore it, but I just couldn’t do that.  Not anymore.  For so long, I had been trying to make the pieces fit, and telling myself that even if they didn’t, it was not a sure sign that the church was not true.  But I started looking at a few things on my own.  I delved deep in to church history, as well as taking a closer look at the modern-day church.  I was shocked by the things I learned, and very disappointed that so much of it was not made more public.  This was not the church I thought it was.

And yet, if you can believe it, I STILL did not leave the church!  I was clinging by threads of faith.  I had a wonderful support system at church, and there was still so much I felt was good about the church.  But it became increasingly difficult to sit in the meetings.  They would discuss things that I now knew were only half-truths or even blatantly false, but were being taught as truth.  All the anger and bitterness that I had tried to set aside for all those years just came boiling back to the surface.  I stopped attending some of the meetings so that I would not be a source of contention.  The people around me were good people, and I could not blame them for the believing what was taught.  They were as ignorant as I had always been, and happy in their ignorance.

Several recent experiences I have had recently (which I will not discuss here), have given me that final push out of the church.  I will say that these experiences were so incredibly hurtful, and involved some people I loved and trusted.  My love and trust in them has not been broken completely, but my trust in the Church has been severed irrevocably.  I still love the people, but I can no longer belong to an institution that would condone such negative behavior.

So where am I now?  To be honest, I still have anger.  A lot of it.  I have been told it is simply a step in the grieving process, and will run its natural course over time.  But for now, I still get angry.  But not always.

Craig and I have found a new home with the Unitarian Universalist church.  Their teachings and ideals are far more in keeping with our thoughts and feelings than the Mormon Church ever was.  I feel there is an openness and honesty there that is refreshing.  I look forward to attending church there every week, singing in the choir, and hearing the wonderful talks given.

We also spend time with other people who have left the Mormon church.  Many (if not most), have left the church for the same reasons we did, so there is a strong sense of camaraderie and belonging.  Many of these people have become very close friends.

In so many ways we are happier and more at peace than we have felt in a very long time.  We still value the good teachings we were taught while in the Mormon church – the importance of families, service, charity, kindness to others, hard work, and so forth.  These are still the things we teach to our son.  We also value the friendships we have made throughout the years with other Mormons. 

To an outsider, we may not seem that different.  Since we still hold to many of the same values, essentially we are the same now as we ever were.  But there is a difference in our hearts.  We honestly feel we have made the right decision for us, and we sincerely hope that our friends and family will understand that and continue to accept and love us for who we are.

If anyone ever has any questions about our decisions, we invite them to ask us personally.  We are happy to share our experiences on a more personal level.  However, it must be understood that we are not open to debating the issues, especially in any public settings (facebook, family or social events, etc).

If you are very curious, I recommend watching this video produced by John Dehlin, a faithful Mormon living in Utah, and who has spent many, many years talking with and guiding those who have dealt with a faith crisis.  He talks about some of the issues that we have had (although this is only the tiniest tip of the iceberg).  It is about an hour long, but very informative.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EP3GJeYIN3s

Running

Last year, my big bro, Bill, impressed me when he ran a marathon.  Bill has always been pretty athletic.  Back when he was in college he biked all the way from Austin, TX to Anchorage, Alaska.  I guess running a marathon shouldn't have really surprised me.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I always thought, "That would be cool.  That would be a big accomplishment.".  The problem is, I HATE running.  I mean, I REALLY HATE running.  It is monotonous, and the constant pounding of my feet on the ground is jarring.  I can think of so many more fun ways to get exercise.  But then, I am not doing any of those, either!

My dad tried to convince the family to run in a marathon.  I blew it off at first, but then everyone started talking about it, and before we knew we had set a plan in motion for all of us to start our own training programs.  I am not so ambitious (or anywhere near fit enough!) to run a full marathon, but I think it would be awesome to run a half marathon.  That is still a little over 13 miles, which is quite a distance.

So, my first day out running, I did all the right stretches, drank some water, put on my brand new special running shoes, and brought my running buddy - my little dachshund, Orion.  I was ready to go!  And. . .I barely made it 1/8 mile.  I felt so deflated!  No literally, I felt like I had no breath left in me, and I was pretty sure someone had just tried to stick a scouring brush down my throat.  My tiny little dog looked at me in embarrassment as he sat idly by.  I think I was such a disappointment to him.

Not to be discouraged, I kept at it.  By the end of a week, I was going a little over 1/2 mile, so I was making progress.  I didn't want to push too much, because I have heard that can cause problems later.  Still, I was pleased with where I was headed.

Within a few weeks, I had finally reached that 1 mile goal.  Woot!!  The last time I ran a full mile (without stopping), was when I was in high school, and even then I was really pushing myself.  So this felt AWESOME!  I wanted to jump up and down and shout my success to the whole neighborhood.  Except I couldn't because I was completely out of breath and trying hard not to puke all over my front lawn.

After that, I started pushing myself just a bit harder, and very shortly i was doing about 1.5 mi - further than I have ever run before!  Then the weather turned nasty (it does that in the spring), and I was not able to get out.  I tried keeping up my strength and stamina by hopping on the stationary bike.  That helped, but I wasn't very consistent.  When I was finally able to go out running again, I was back down to running only a mile.  Bummer!

The good news is that it hasn't been so long that my body has forgotten everything.  Today's run was only a mile, but it was an easy mile.  I felt like I could have gone much farther.  I was barely out of breath, and I was feeling pretty good.

There are some other benefits of running.  Aside from some serious calf muscles (nice!), I have noticed that my circulation has improved significantly.  All through the winter, I had trouble sleeping because no matter what position was I lying in, my arms would fall asleep.  Totally numb from shoulders to fingertips.  It felt really weird.  Since running, I have not had that problem at all, which has been very nice:-)

I can't say I have any more energy that before.  I suffer from chronic fatigue, and so far it seems no matter what i do, that will never really change.  However, I think I have noticed fewer migraines, which is really the best bonus of all.

So, I am planning to run a half marathon some time this fall, in either September or October.  A lot of my other family members will be joining me as well, so we will be running together.  Hopefully we will all be able to cross that finish line!

Rewind - Cameron's Birthday

I have been terrible about keeping up to date on my blogs lately. October was my busiest month yet in my studio, and I also worked full time with Bella Baby and had my family to take care of. Blogging was a little low on my list of priorities:-) But I actually have a little free time (!), so I thought I would hop on here and post a little.

As many of you know, Cameron turned SEVEN this past September. How crazy is that? And why do kids have to grow up so dang fast? His birthday party was a huge success - lot so kids running around, all hyped up on cake and ice cream. And what a cake it was!

Cameron's birthday theme was Knights. He has always been very in to swords and castles, so he picked this particular theme. And he specifically requested a "big castle cake with a dragon on top!" This was really going to put my cake decorating skills to the test! But because I love him like crazy, I was willing to give it a shot. It took three days to make the cake, which I finished minutes before the first guests arrived. The dragon was made entirely out of chocolate (except for the tissue paper wings). The cakes were really yummy, too:-) The bottom was chocolate cake with chocolate cream, bananas, chocolate chip, and a chocolate drizzle for the filling (not recommended for anyone on a diet!). The top was a rainbow chip cake with cherry cream and maraschino cherries for the filling.





We have always loved having a pinata at Cameron's parties, and this year I found a cool red dragon pinata. But that dragon did NOT die easily! Every kid took several turns trying to beat it open. Nothing. Not even a dent.

Even the "big kids" couldn't do it!

So finally we decided that hand-to-hand combat would be the best thing to finish this dragon off, and it was torn limb from limb.

And there was much rejoicing in the land.

And at the end of it all, Cameron got lots of great gifts from family and friends (which included FOUR new swords to add to his collection!).

Seven

I have been very bad about keeping my blog updated. So much as happened, but I have not had time to sit down and record it all. One of these days I will backtrack and write about our very crazy summer!

But this post is all about my wonderful little boy. Cameron turns seven this month, can you believe it? He just started first grade, and is LOVING it! Just like both his parents before him, he loves to learn. He is already reading at around a 3rd-4th grade level, which is pretty impressive, I think. He also loves math (he did NOT get that love from me!) and science.

In the past year Cameron has lost FIVE teeth! His most recent one was one of his top front teeth, and the little gap left behind is just so dang cute:-) The new tooth is growing in very quickly, though, like all his teeth have grown. The tooth next to it is also loose, and we expect that one to come out in the next month or so. When he was a baby he got all his teeth in very early and very quickly, so it is really not surprising that the same should be true of getting his adult teeth in.

As always, Cameron is just crazy about video games. Here is the odd thing though. Cameron has been "playing" video games since he could crawl. He has been around them all his life. But, sad to say, he is really quite terrible at playing them! He would much rather act them out. He pretends to be one of the characters, or makes up his own character to be, and runs around the house pretending to be in the game. I think I prefer this imaginative play to sitting mindlessly in front of the screen. He is a great storyteller, and will often make up very crazy stories involving some of his favorite characters.

Here are some other fun facts about Cameron:
Favorite Color: Red
Favorite Food: Pizza
Books he is reading: Eldest (from the Eragon series), Legend of Zelda graphic novels, and anything else within his reach!
Favorite Movie: Iron Giant
Likes: Knights, Robots, Dinosaurs, playing with his friends, spending time with his mommy and daddy, singing
Dislikes: Tomatoes, being grounded

Of course, since this is a new year for him, I had to get some new portraits. There is a field full of Black-eyed Susans near our house, and I thought that would be a great place for portraits. Cameron was a silly boy, and wanted to dance and play in the flowers, and I was able to capture some adorable smiles. Cameron has a beautiful smile and a contagious laugh. He brings so much joy in to our lives:-)

Easter Festivities

Easter weekend was pretty exciting around here. Originally, Easter festivities were going to be at my sister's place in Idaho. But because my dad is in the hospital (that is a whole other story that I won't go into here), we decided to move everything to my parent's house here in Utah. This actually worked out better for my little family, because I had to work Easter Sunday, and we would have missed out. In fact, the festivities were so big, we had to draw it out over two days, Saturday and Sunday!

The house was pretty crowded with people. All of my siblings, their spouses/significant others, and all the grandkids were in attendance, as well as my Grandma Olive, and Aunt Carol and Uncle Steve. Pretty crowded, but lots of fun! We did have a little drama, which seems to be pretty much expected in my family, but we got over it and had a fun time.

We had a spectacular Easter egg hunt with all the kids. We didn't count the eggs, but we estimated there was probably close to 200. It was quite the chore to find hiding spots for all of them. It was funny watching the kids try and find them all. Some we thought were really well hidden they found right away, while others that we thought were pretty obvious they passed by again and again without seeing.

I do have to say that I was a little frustrated with Cameron's "finding" ability. This is an on-going battle in our house. He has trouble seeing things in the most obvious places, and does not seem to understand the concept that just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there. Like it might be hiding under something. Same thing with the eggs. We kept trying to hint for him to look all around, up and down, and in things. But after several minutes of him just sort of glancing around waiting for it to pop out at him, we would give up and point it out. We definitely need to start doing some more "finding" games around the house to develop this particular skill.

Easter dinner was scrumptious - BBQ ribs the first day, and ham the next, with all the best fixings:-) I think everyone was particularly enamored with my cake balls - a ridiculously easy recipe, but the most melt-in-your-mouth deliciousness:-) And the candy haul? Um, did I mention there were nearly 200 eggs? Yeah, we are going to be eating that for a while.

To round off the fun, my dad's sister flew in on Tuesday to spend some time with him. They were only here for a few hours, but it was nice to see them again. I don't think we get to see them near as often as I would like!

So here are the highlights in photos:

Being on a Budget

Craig and I are not major spenders. I think we are actually pretty thrifty. I do have a hard time saying no to the little things, but I pass up more than I buy. We rarely eat out, we buy clothes on sale, and only when we REALLY need them, and I coupon like crazy to save on the grocery bill. So we were more than a little confused to find that our expenses STILL outstrip our income! By a lot. Go figure.

We decided that the major issue is our debt. I was in debt before we even got married, and poor Craig just inherited that. Since then, we gradually added to that debt, little by little. We never really thought anything about it. Debt was just a way of life. Everyone had it, it seemed, and we were certainly no exception.

Then a couple of years ago both Craig and I lost our jobs at almost the exact same time. It was hard, because we both thought we had job security. We had no savings, and we had just bought a house. We were in trouble! We spent the next 6 months desperately looking for work, and living off our credit cards. Bad, bad, bad! Fortunately, we were both able to find work again, but by that time we found ourselves in a very sticky situation.

We still were not sure what to do. The debt was worse than ever, and there did not seem to be anything we could do about it. Until. . .

I am sure most everyone has heard about Dave Ramsey. He claims to have a solid way to get out of debt. It is not a "get rich quick" scheme, or even some new-fangled idea. We have heard it before. But Dave makes sense. I decided to check out what he has to offer and purchased his book, "Total Money Makeover". If you haven't read it yet, go check it out! I was really excited reading it, and feeling like maybe things were not as hopeless as we thought.

Yes, there will be a long and rough road ahead of us. Yes, we are still scared. Yes, we WILL get out of debt. Don't let anyone try to tell you that debt is just a way of life. Debt is BAD! All of it!! We have dug ourselves in to a deep pit, and now it is time to climb back out.

New Perspective

We recently had an experience that has changed our perspective. This past week we had the opportunity to babysit my little nephew (10 months) overnight. For the most part, he is a happy little guy, and loves to play. He was NOT happy when it was bedtime or naptime, and he really did not like when I left a room.

It was fun having him over, but it has been a looooong time since we have had a baby in our home, and we had forgotten how much work they can be! I spent a good deal of time cleaning up after him, playing with him, feeding him, etc.

For so long we have been trying to have another baby. We thought that was what we wanted. It was always our plan to have a big family. But despite all our efforts, it just hasn't happened. This has been a really hard pill to swallow, and I have had a very hard time dealing with it. I thought this was what I needed to be happy. To fill fulfilled.

I was wrong.

I have spent so much time longing for the child I don't have, that I have blinded myself to the blessings I have already been given. So many good things have happened to us. We have the most wonderful, bright, happy little boy. The joy he brings to our home in immeasurable.

Now that Cameron is in school I can focus much more attention on my career, and good things are coming from it. I really enjoy what I do, but it takes a great deal of dedication, perseverance, and hard work to run a business. Craig is also able to dedicate more of his time to the things he loves.

I always thought I couldn't really be happy with only one child. But the truth is, I AM happy. I just couldn't see it before. Now we understand what our lives could be like if there was another baby. While we would never turn away such a blessing, we no longer yearn for it like we did. Our lives have changed, and with it our perspective. I don't know that we will ever have more children, but I know that even if we don't, it's okay. I have already been given something great.

Boys and their Swords

For Craig's 30th birthday this past November I got him his first sword. He decided he wanted some photos to share with his friends online. Well, you know me, I can't do anything simply:-) I used some wicked cool dramatic lighting to really bring the images to life. I tried to convince them to change into some period clothing or something, but I think they thought that was going a little overboard. Bummer. But I think the images turned out great anyway.

I call this one "Lost".

Doesn't he look ferocious?

This one is one of my faves. I call it "Warrior's Prayer".

A Little Christmas

This time of year is always pretty busy, but I thought I would take just a moment to blog about a few a little things.

Cameron has recently taken an interest in cooking. Where he got this idea we have no idea. Craig can hardly cook at all, and while I can cook (and Craig says I cook very well), I don't really enjoy the task. I prefer baking, but even that is not very enjoyable for me. I don't like the clean-up:-)

But as Cameron grows older, I find we have fewer and fewer shared interests. He is every inch a boy, and well, I am not. But I think cooking is something we can do together. Even though it is not my favorite thing to do, I think it is much more enjoyable when I can do it with my little boy. Besides, I hope to turn him into a little chef, so that by the time he is in his teens, he can be the head chef of the family:-)

We decided to try our hands at some baking, and we chose one of my favorite Christmas cookies - M&M Chocolate Drop Cookies. Cameron did a lot of the work himself - he measured, poured, and mixed the ingredients (his favorite part is cracking open eggs!), and I helped him put the dough on the cookie sheets and put them in the oven. After they were done, I filled them with frosting, and he added all the little M&Ms. I have never seen a little boy so proud of his accomplishments than Cameron was:-) And I was a proud Mommy, too! And, in case you are wondering, they were delicious:-P

It took me a little longer than usual to get our Holiday decorations out. I usually like to get them out right after Thanksgiving, but too many other things have been going on. But, I finally got it all out, and I am thrilled to see my little home all decked out.

Christmas really is one of my favorite times of the year. I love all the glittery things, the colorful lights everywhere, and the way my home looks and feels so cozy in the glow from the Christmas tree. And I love that I have this great old piano to put things on:-)

As you can see from the photo, I have started collecting two things. The first is Santas. I LOVE Santa Claus. He was always a VERY big deal in our home, so collecting different Santas has been a lot of fun. The second thing I have started a collection of is Nativity scenes.

I received my first Nativity scene several years ago after my parents attended an estate sale. The figures are fairly small, but it was a full set - all the wiseman and their camels, all the shepherds and their sheep, the donkey, and even the angel. What it did NOT have was the BABY JESUS! I still set it all out every year, but it bothered me that it had no little Jesus. What is the point, really?

Well, I FINALLY found the little Jesus that goes with this set. There is a little ceramic shop near by, and they actually carried the pieces to this set, and were lucky enough to have a little Jesus (he is hard to find this time of year). So now my set is complete! My next goal is to paint it. I like the white, but I might add some sparkle by adding gold or silver highlights. Or maybe I will go full color. I haven't decided yet.

I have several other sets that I have acquired over the years. Right now a secret friend is leaving little Nativity pieces on our doorstep every night. We look forward to seeing what new piece we will get.

And finally, we come to the tree. My adorable little tree. Yes, it is quite small. I have had this tree since before I met Craig. For many years we lived in apartments, so it made sense to keep a small tree. But now we have our own home, and I told Craig it was high time we got something a little bigger. We are hoping to find a nice one during the after Christmas sale. This one will not gone forever, though! We are going to set it up in the basement to add a little cheer down there. And I can also use it for photo shoots with young children.

So, there is a little bit of Christmas for you. There is surely more to come later!

Thankgiving

We had a GREAT Thanksgiving this year! For a long while we thought we were not going to do anything. It was our year to spend Thanksgiving down in Vegas with Craig's family, but we were just down there last month for his brother's wedding.

But it turns out that all his other siblings were staying up here in Utah as well (incidentally, all but one of Craig's siblings live here in Utah now. We really need his parents up here, too!!). So we decided to host a little Thanksgiving get-together here in our home. In all the years we have been married, we have never hosted a holiday dinner at our home, so this was very exciting!

We kept it simple with the usual treats - turkey, stuffing, taters, and plenty of pies:-) I was a little nervous about cooking the turkey, but it turned out to be very simple, and, I must say, it was the most beautiful turkey I have ever seen. Looked like something out of a magazine:-) I forgot to take a picture of it BEFORE we started carving it, but you can still see the nice golden color it had.

And the pies! Oh, the pies! All four pies were made completely from scratch - crust and all! Even the chocolate pie was made from REAL melted chocolate and milk. My new SIL Laurel made the yummiest apple pie, and I did the cherry, chocolate, and pumpkin. Yum!!

We had a lot of fun eating, playing games, eating, chatting, and eating. All in all, it was a fantastic day, and we all had fun:-)

A little about Halloween

I know Halloween is a bit in the past, but I have been pretty swamped and have not had much time to blog about life. And I suppose it doesn't matter, since I am not sure anyone but myself ever comes to this blog. So I write more as a journal for myself than for anyone else. But just in case anyne ever does pop over here frmo time to time, I hope you enjoy these little glimpses into our family life.

Last Halloween (2009) was kind of a bust for us. We really didn't do anything at all. No parties or activities, and Cameron was tired of T&T after only one street. Bleh.

This year was tons better! Now that Cameron is in school we have a lot of school activities to look forward to. I was a little disappointed that his school did not allow costumes. That was one of my favorite things during Halloween - wearing my costume and marching around in the school parade. So much fun!

Since they could not wear their costumes to school, Cameron said he needed a "Halloween" shirt, just for fun. I was hoping to make it a fun mother/son craft experience. Just one problem. Cameron is not really big into crafts. In fact, he does not really like them at all. So I ended up making the shirt, but he was still really happy to wear it:-)

The school did have a Fall Carnival and we went for a little bit. They have a few games and activities, but the place was PACKED, and we had to wait in line for 20 min just to play one 10 sec game. We had to leave before they did T&T around the school, but they gave Cameron a bunch of candy anyway.

Later we went to one of Cameron's favorite places - the dinosaur park! They had a big Halloween event going on all month, and we decided to use our family pass to go and have some fun together. It was a lot of fun seeing the dinosaurs at night. And there was TONS of candy! Cameron had a blast, and so did Mommy and Daddy.

Speaking of Daddy, his work had a little fun for Halloween as well. They all got to dress in costumes, and they invited all the kids to come and T&T around the office. Craig decided to go as one of our favorite TV characters - Chuck. I tried curling his hair, but it was a little too short to do what I wanted it to do. Oh well, he looked great anyway!

We did do a little T&T around the neighborhood, but our area is pretty lame. A couple of years ago we lived in an area that had TONS of kids everywhere - just like when I was a kid. But our area now is practically dead (no pun intended) on Halloween. A scattering off houses passing out candy, and a few kids here and there. Still, there was plenty of booty to be had.

All in all, we had a lot of fun, and Cameron brought home more candy than we could eat in a year. And finally, I will leave you with a few more pics of Cameron in his Buzz Lightyear costume, because he is just so cute!