Losing my Religion

I have something I need to say that is very difficult for me, and I know will be quite shocking and even distressing for many of my friends and family.  However, I feel it is still important for me to share this part of myself, and hope that in doing so you will understand my feelings on the matter.

After long and painful thought, I have decided to leave the Mormon (LDS) church.  My reasons for doing so run very wide and very deep.  I will not discuss everything here, but I do wish to explain some of my feelings.

I grew up in a very faithful LDS home.  We went to church regularly, attended all the meetings, and were very active in the Mormon community.  At home we prayed together, read scriptures together, and occasionally had family nights to discuss religious and moral issues.

I was always a firm believer.  I definitely had doubts and concerns, but I generally set those things aside, believing I would find answers later, or believing that the answer was that it was simply God’s will.  When I was young, this was good enough, and I moved forward with my life.  I was, in fact, such a firm believer, that I was willing to fight for my beliefs, both verbally and physically.  I took great offense when anyone even remotely suggested that my religion was not actually the “one true church”, as I always believed it was.

As I grew older, some of the doubts and concerns I had became a little more prominent in my life.  I continually tried to set them aside, but they just kept coming up.  I became severely depressed.  The hardest part was that when I tried to voice my concerns to my church leaders, they simply patted me on the head, told me not to worry about it, that everything would turn out okay, and sent me on my way.  Or they would grow very uncomfortable and dodge around the issues and give me unsatisfactory responses, mostly along the lines of “You just need to have more faith.”  It can be difficult to have more of something when it is slipping away from you.

 

Despite my depression and unease, I still clung to the Church.  It was my life raft.  It was my LIFE.  Everything I knew and loved came from the church, and I still believed in it.  I didn’t understand it all the time, but I believed it. 

As I grew a little older, I experienced some very difficult times; moments of darkness and utter despair.  To be honest, it was often in those times when the teachings and doctrines of the church made the least sense, and were even hurtful.  I became even more depressed, and angry, and bitter.  And yet, I STILL clung to the church.  I HAD to believe it was true.  I had fought for the church, its doctrines, and God and I simply could not let go of it, no matter how awful I felt inside.

It is important to note that there were some good times as well.  I had times of such joy, and my heart was so full.  I met so many wonderful people in the church who were there for me through thick and thin.  It was those times that lifted me up and kept me going, and helped me feel that I was on the right path.  But those pesky doubts wouldn’t go away!

Last year my husband, Craig, came to me and told me he no longer believed in the Mormon Church.  I was shocked and hurt.  So many of my hopes and dreams for the future felt like they had suddenly been crushed.  I was not completely surprised by his announcement, because I know that he had been struggling for a long time as well.  Still, I never thought it would come to this.  For a little while I considered divorce, but the very thought of it appalled me.

Once I got over the initial shock, he was able to sit with me and explain his reasons for no longer believing.  I decided to listen, rather than shut him out.  I felt that family was far more important than any religion, and as a testament of my love for him, I decided I needed to be there to support him, and listen, and try to understand.

During these talks we had (and there were many!), I began to realize that many of the things that had been bothering me had also bothered him.  Instead of continuously setting those things aside like I had, he decided to look in to them further, which led to him finding more information about the Church and its Doctrines that was deeply disturbing.  When he shared his findings with me, a part of me wanted to ignore it, but I just couldn’t do that.  Not anymore.  For so long, I had been trying to make the pieces fit, and telling myself that even if they didn’t, it was not a sure sign that the church was not true.  But I started looking at a few things on my own.  I delved deep in to church history, as well as taking a closer look at the modern-day church.  I was shocked by the things I learned, and very disappointed that so much of it was not made more public.  This was not the church I thought it was.

And yet, if you can believe it, I STILL did not leave the church!  I was clinging by threads of faith.  I had a wonderful support system at church, and there was still so much I felt was good about the church.  But it became increasingly difficult to sit in the meetings.  They would discuss things that I now knew were only half-truths or even blatantly false, but were being taught as truth.  All the anger and bitterness that I had tried to set aside for all those years just came boiling back to the surface.  I stopped attending some of the meetings so that I would not be a source of contention.  The people around me were good people, and I could not blame them for the believing what was taught.  They were as ignorant as I had always been, and happy in their ignorance.

Several recent experiences I have had recently (which I will not discuss here), have given me that final push out of the church.  I will say that these experiences were so incredibly hurtful, and involved some people I loved and trusted.  My love and trust in them has not been broken completely, but my trust in the Church has been severed irrevocably.  I still love the people, but I can no longer belong to an institution that would condone such negative behavior.

So where am I now?  To be honest, I still have anger.  A lot of it.  I have been told it is simply a step in the grieving process, and will run its natural course over time.  But for now, I still get angry.  But not always.

Craig and I have found a new home with the Unitarian Universalist church.  Their teachings and ideals are far more in keeping with our thoughts and feelings than the Mormon Church ever was.  I feel there is an openness and honesty there that is refreshing.  I look forward to attending church there every week, singing in the choir, and hearing the wonderful talks given.

We also spend time with other people who have left the Mormon church.  Many (if not most), have left the church for the same reasons we did, so there is a strong sense of camaraderie and belonging.  Many of these people have become very close friends.

In so many ways we are happier and more at peace than we have felt in a very long time.  We still value the good teachings we were taught while in the Mormon church – the importance of families, service, charity, kindness to others, hard work, and so forth.  These are still the things we teach to our son.  We also value the friendships we have made throughout the years with other Mormons. 

To an outsider, we may not seem that different.  Since we still hold to many of the same values, essentially we are the same now as we ever were.  But there is a difference in our hearts.  We honestly feel we have made the right decision for us, and we sincerely hope that our friends and family will understand that and continue to accept and love us for who we are.

If anyone ever has any questions about our decisions, we invite them to ask us personally.  We are happy to share our experiences on a more personal level.  However, it must be understood that we are not open to debating the issues, especially in any public settings (facebook, family or social events, etc).

If you are very curious, I recommend watching this video produced by John Dehlin, a faithful Mormon living in Utah, and who has spent many, many years talking with and guiding those who have dealt with a faith crisis.  He talks about some of the issues that we have had (although this is only the tiniest tip of the iceberg).  It is about an hour long, but very informative.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EP3GJeYIN3s